We Don’t Actually Love Someone

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend about my last blog, Breaking the Shackles. The conversation drifted toward love, moving on, and how incredibly hard it is to break those emotional chains and embrace ourselves. Somewhere in that discussion, I found myself saying something I deeply believe in:

We don’t actually love someone else. We love ourselves more when we’re with them.

At first, it sounds strange. After all, love is about them, right? Their smile, their presence, their quirks, the way they make us feel. But if you sit with this thought for a moment, you start to realize love isn’t about the person as much as it is about the version of ourselves that exists when they’re around.

Why Do We Love Certain People?

Think of the person you’ve loved the most. What did you really love about them? Was it just their qualities, or was it how you felt in their presence?

Maybe they made you feel more confident, more free, more alive. Perhaps they brought out a playful side of you that had been buried under responsibilities. Or maybe they made you feel heard, valued, and important in ways you hadn’t before.

We don’t fall in love with people as much as we fall in love with who we are when we’re with them. And that’s why, when they leave, it feels like we’ve lost a part of ourselves. Because in a way, we have.

It’s not just them we miss, it’s us.

The Love We Chase

Love, in its purest form, isn’t something external. It’s not about finding someone to complete us. Instead, it’s about discovering a version of ourselves that we love the most.

Wherever we feel that love for ourselves the strongest; whether it’s with a person, in a place, or during a particular experience—that’s where we long to be. We chase that feeling, often attaching it to the person who helped bring it out in us.

But the truth is, they were just the mirror. The love was always inside us.

So, What Happens When They’re Gone?

If love is about how we feel about ourselves in a certain space or relationship, then when that changes, we don’t just miss the person. We miss that version of ourselves.

That’s why moving on feels impossible. It’s not about replacing them. It’s about finding a way to love yourself just as much, even without them.

And the trick? You don’t need another person for that. You just need something—anything—that makes you feel alive again.

Because at the end of the day, the love you seek is your own.

How to Love Yourself Again

If you’ve ever struggled to let go of someone, ask yourself:

• What was it about me that I loved the most when I was with them?
• Where else in life can I find that version of myself?
• How can I create a space where I feel that love for myself again?

Because here’s the truth: love was never about them. It was always about you. And once you realize that, you’ll stop searching for it in someone else and start finding it in yourself.

Instead of chasing a person, chase the feeling. Instead of waiting for someone to make you feel alive, create a life that makes you feel that way every single day.

At the end of it all, we don’t love others. We love the version of ourselves that they reflect back to us. And when we learn to love that version of ourselves, truly and deeply, we become free.